What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

Isn’t this a profile picture and a half.

Where do we start?!

 

Yes, this is the main photo of someone’s profile.

I think the bottle of Mountain Dew adds a real touch of class (laying on the sarcasm nice and thick here), but I’m not altogether sure about the wig. Loving the cheap shop tiara, though. Really fetching eye makeup as well – you make all the girls jealous.

Seriously though. Not the best photo to have as your main one, for mine.

But on another note, we’re fast approaching 100 posts on this humble blog, so to celebrate I’ll be doing a Special Recap of some of the earlier fails. Look out for it in the coming days or weeks.

Until then, stay classy Brisbane.

Soph x

I’m guessing Emmily knocked him back.

Was scrolling through the “newest profiles” and found an update on our stalker friend from the other night who created a profile just to track down a particular person.

It appears that we now have a photo, and the headline and description has changed. I’m guessing Emmily knocked him back. Smart girl.

I thought the profile was a bit Mickey Mouse to start off with…lo and behold, the profile photo…!!

Obviously a lot of effort has gone into this one.

 

Let’s hope he has better luck now.

Soph x

In which Soph runs out of fails and talks about something else.

Due to my self-imposed deactivation, fails are running thin on the ground. So, to mix it up a bit I thought I’d do a totally non-dating-related post.

I am crazy about British sitcoms, the older the better. Honestly, I howled like a baby when I found out the ABC Shops were closing, because their selection of British shows (in particular BBC ones) is far superior to what you find at your local JB Hi Fi or similar. They’ll have an online store, but it’s just not the same as having a browse through the shelves.

Anyway, at the moment I’m loving You Rang, M’Lord. Created by David Croft and Jimmy Perry (the people who also brought Dad’s Army to the world – another of my favourites), it’s set in the 1920s and it’s about a rich family and their servants. And it’s hilarious.

There are two characters in particular who I love – firstly Cissy who is the only “rich family” member who’s not completely up herself. It’s inferred that she’s a lesbian (interesting move – considering this series came out something like 30 years ago, but it’s positively portrayed which is great) and has what would be classed as a masculine sense of dress (after all it’s set in the 1920s!) She wears suits most of the time. Complete with a monocle. Oh, and she’s a pilot. She just kicks arse.

Here’s looking at you, kid.

 

I’m normally a sucker for a man in a suit, but she carries it off so damn well.

 

Then there’s James the footman who is just too damn attractive. The stupid selection of photos on Google Images do not do him justice.

 

He’s a bit of a pompous twit to start off with but he does mellow slightly as the series goes on.

*swoon* Told you I was a sucker for a man in a suit.

I’m surprised this show isn’t as well remembered as some of Perry and Croft’s other creations (well, not to my knowledge anyway) but I’ve really enjoyed it so far. It reminds me of Jeeves and Wooster – don’t get me started fangirling on Hugh Laurie.

Soph x

Stalker alert.

Check out this pillar of society. If you’re emmily234, I suggest you run like hell!

Mate, take a hike now and be done with it because that’s going to put her off immediately. And I’d wager that you would be judged very, very harshly by other members of the site, if not by her, because you immediately look like a stalker/control freak.

Seriously, who does this stuff? Just set up an ordinary regular profile and message her if you’re that keen!

Soph x

Today is SAD – Singledom Appreciation Day.

(Or Valentine’s Day if you’re consciously coupled.)

For me, February 14th means that I go and buy a bottle of $5 Moscato and a family-sized box of Maltesers (which were also reduced to $5 – winning) and have these all to myself.

This year was no exception, however this year’s Moscato tastes decidedly feral. Maybe I should have splashed out on the $7 bottle.

Anyway, I promised a couple of fails from the vault in honour of today, so without further ado…

This first one definitely has to be a bot, I reckon. The message consisted solely of the following.

Yes, I work in real estate. Tell me something I don’t know about myself.

 

This second one DEFINITELY HAS AN ISSUE WITH CAPS LOCK, YO.

I like reading, but can’t stand fishing and I very rarely drink. So yeah. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY STOP SHOUTING AT ME.

 

This third one speaks for itself…

Ugh, I hate these ones. Obviously a copy-and-paste job.

 

This last one is too long to add the screenshots one by one, so click on each photo to read it. I think this person may have the wrong website entirely.

 

On that note, Happy Singledom Appreciation Day.

Soph x

Happy days.

It’s been a bumper day on this humble blog. Check this out.

Who says 13 is unlucky?

 

That’s right, today Soph’s Dating Site Fails has received its highest number of views in one day, ever.

Cheers everyone, and I’ll rustle up a couple of special fails from the vault in honour of tomorrow being Valentine’s Day, or Singledom Appreciation Day (SAD) as I like to call it.

Soph x

In which Soph discovers the brutality of “Profile Reviews”.

A particular dating site has a separate forum section, where people can gather for a general chat, swap dating stories, seek relationship advice, etc. Sadly the “Australia” section seemed to be dead as a dodo, but I had a good look around at the others.

One particular sub-forum was called “Profile Reviews”. The basic premise was that people could post a link to their profile for other members to critique. But only one thread per person, boys and girls!

With a whopping 66,000 threads (and counting), it was also the most popular sub-forum by a long shot.

And it makes for addictive reading. Absolutely no holds barred here.

A small sample of some of the comments (taken from various reviews):

your profile reads like a used couch ad nailed to a telephone pole, tear off a number.

 

Once you calm down you may realize what a toddler you sound like. Instead of wondering what’s wrong with her (or any of the other girls you wrote to who ignored you) why not make an effort to write a decent profile?

When you’re ready to start again, get clear smiling photos. Do not put ‘Women’ as an interest, unless you want to attract a lesbian.

Write with punctuation and capitals so it looks like you gave a crap about how you presented yourself.

If you still want to quit, go for it. This is not McDating. You don’t just drive up and order a redhead with a stop-traffic ass and great rack. You get what you put into it and it takes a lot of patience.

Girls don’t block for ‘no reason’. Usually it’s because you’ve sent a weird message or won’t take “no” for an answer. It may not be weird in your mind, but it was definitely ‘off’ to them. Again, if you want to start again with a new profile/pictures, come back to this forum for suggestions on wording or anything that may be missing. You just aren’t helping yourself with the version you have now.

 

A few quickies off the top..

You look like you don’t know how to have any fun in your photos. No smiles, nothing outdoors. Crack out a smile with good lighting, shoulders up so we can see your eyes and smile. We don’t care if you think you look goofy when you smile, just do it.

“Won’t say” for an occupation? You a drug dealer? Gigolo? Don’t make us make up shit in our minds. Go with something vague if you’re embarrassed about your job (Factory worker, Tradesman, Sales rep, Food services).

You are here Looking For: FRIENDS. Women already have friends and would expect you do, too. This is a DATING site where young dateable girls of dating age are looking for guys to date. Too subtle?

Your first paragraph is a whine festival. Delete it and get to the good stuff before you bore her to death. Then you will have space to expand a bit on your generic profile by adding some humour, details and personality. No, you won’t run out of things to talk about later, unless you’re deadly boring. I don’t think so, though, now prove it.

 

I’m not brave enough to let them go to town on my (re-deactivated) profile! Although, there is some very good advice such as this:

Have a friend take two dozen well-lit, OUTDOOR, crisp photographs using a high-quality digital camera…which is preferred over a cellphone whenever possible. This is primarily due to better ergonomics and superior capability of a camera to process available light. Ensure not all pics contain sunglasses, masks, or hats. Include a variety of backgrounds, activities, and various articles of clothing to add greater interest. Try to be off-center in several of the images…even if you must coach the photographer to do so. Upload the best images of the bunch. Ensure you continue to date and caption each…to make them more entertaining to read.

I may need to do that one myself.

Soph x

Someone’s got a death wish.

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Check out the time the post was sent. 1.05am?!

 

I think I need to re-deactivate myself and stay that way for a while longer!

To make matters worse, the dude who was still hung up on his wife (I’ve mentioned him before) is obviously still sniffing around because I caught him viewing my profile.

Some things never change.

Soph x

“Johnny, take a walk with your sister the moon…”

The title of this blog post is borrowed from the first line of “Mysterious Ways” by U2. I have all their albums, but “Achtung Baby” (the album this song is on) is my favourite.

 

But enough of U2 – I’ve found a profile in serious need of help. Let’s give a big Soph’s Dating Site Fails welcome to johhnocutieboy31.

(Now you know why I referenced that particular lyric in my title!)

This person has reincarnated at least five times, to my knowledge. He seems to alternate between three usernames, johhnocutieboy31 (the latest one), johnnycutie1984 and johnnycutieman1984. But always the same headline and description each time.

34, apparently. Normally when you lie about your age on these sites, you make yourself younger, not older!

 

 

See, this reincarnation states he’s 31!

 

This is the latest one. We have a change of photo!

 

Here’s a word of advice for you, Johnny – reincarnating with the same stuff all the time just doesn’t work. I suggest mixing it up and being a bit more in depth with your interests.

Which code of footy do you enjoy? What sorts of music? If you want to be a professional drummer, do you actually play the drums? (It’s not listed in your interests, so maybe not!)

You might get more interest that way.

Until then, I’ll leave you with another U2 lyric…”I guess it’s the price of love, I know it’s not cheap.” Which comes from another of my favourite songs from the “Achtung Baby” album…”Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”.

 

 

Soph x