Hola, amigos. It’s 10pm on a Friday night and it’s all tumbleweeds on the dating front. I haven’t got any fails worth mentioning and to be honest I am trying to find myself again after having the life sucked out of me over the last year or so by a truly toxic relationship. Since I ended it I have lost 2kg fairly quickly but it’s nothing compared to the weight lifted from my shoulders. The person was completely co-dependent on me and my anxiety was through the bloody roof at the end. At the moment I am in recovery mode and just surviving from day to day as I try to get myself back. Hello, freedom, how I have missed you.
He rang last night and proceeded to rant and rave at me for a good hour and a half, culminating in him saying he’s a “changed person” and thinks I have “lots of potential” (WTF? Makes me sound like a house in need of renovating) and pretty much begging me to take him back. Yeah fuck that noise. I think it may be time to go completely no-contact on that score.
Like a lot of music fans I was shocked and saddened to hear of Avicii’s death in Muscat last Saturday (Australian time) and it’s been playing on my mind throughout the week. I liked his music and hardly a day went by without me hearing one of his songs on the radio. The poor bloke was only a year younger than me and the stories in the media have brought some really sobering, saddening facts to light. His management worked him to death and when he wanted to take a break they replied that he didn’t know the value of money. What absolute heartless bastards. There’s a documentary (which I can’t bring myself to watch yet) where he pretty much says he will die young. No 28-year-old should be in that sort of mindset. The people around him have blood on their hands. The saddest thing of all is that he seemed like the most generous, humble, shy person who deserved better than all this bullshit. I hope he has found the peace he couldn’t find on this Earth.
He inspired me to create my first piece of digital art in many months. I hope it is a fitting tribute to him. In true perfectionist fashion I’m not 100% happy with it but then I am never 100% happy with any of my artworks. I won’t post it here as it’s on my social media pages and I like to keep fairly anonymous on this blog.
Then tonight on Instagram his partner posted a letter to him and after reading it I was an emotional, crying mess. It is beautifully written and you can really feel how much she loved him, and he loved her. How he loved her little boy who isn’t much younger than my daughter. Heartbreakingly, love wasn’t enough to save Avicii. And the music world is poorer for it.
After two toxic relationships in a row (well, they were three years apart, but both friggin’ toxic) I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I am yet to find out what true romantic love is. I know what unconditional love is, thanks to my beautiful daughter, but I wish I knew what it is like to be loved by someone without them continually wanting something in return. In the case of my latest ex, he would bitch and whinge and wanted constant support and validation (insecure as fuck!) but left me to run myself ragged in return. It was seriously like having two children. In time, when I get my shit together again, I want someone who is looking for a partner and not a mummy substitute. Because that dynamic is seriously shithouse and kills intimacy dead.
But, as they say, you can’t truly love someone unless you love yourself. I’m not quite there yet. I am struggling with unhappiness and wondering where I’m truly meant to be. For the last year or so I neglected myself in trying to keep everyone else happy. I am learning what it’s like to have that time for myself again.
I am worthy of love. I tell myself that every day. I keep looking for it in the wrong places, unfortunately. But one day that person will come along and teach me that love is meant to lift you up and not drag you down. At the moment in my depressed mindset, it’s easy to feel unworthy and it’s easy to think that I am destined to be alone. I can only hope it won’t be the case.
In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.
— Deepak Chopra
Where there’s a will, there’s a way, kind of beautiful
And every night has its day, so magical
And if there’s love in this life, there’s no obstacle
That can’t be defeated
— Avicii
(I’m tearing up again…)
One day at a time.
Soph x
Soph's Dating Site Fails 